honesty


There isn’t enough time for me to chat with all the hot 38 year old divorced single moms out there.

Seriously. I’ve got one new good lady friend now (I’ve mentioned her here before), and over the last three months we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well. Sometimes we’ve gone a week or so without talking, and sometimes we’ve talked for hours in a day. Over three months, that’s a lot of hours. Way more hours than I spent talking with my wife in the last two years of our relationship (if you exclude shouting matches). At the start, it was strained and I had a hard time breaking through her shell, but lately she’s been pretty much wide open to discussing anything and everything, even open to having fun together. That doesn’t sound like such a big thing — who wouldn’t want to? — but it took her a while to come around. At this point, I think she’s very interested in me.

And that’s kind of the problem. I never planned to only date one woman before choosing to settle down. And since I’m still separated, not divorced, I don’t want to start really dating now. But when January (or so) comes along, and I am divorced and want to start dating, it’ll be a very awkward situation. I want to hold back from a serious relationship with her for now. I also want to move forward with a physical one, but I want to be fair to her more. So the next couple months will be somewhat strained, with (presumably) both of us wanting to explore a bit more in our relationship, but me holding back. I ask myself: Am I leading her on? And I answer: If I don’t tell her my intentions, yes.

Ok, but then, problem #2: A week ago I was talking with my therapist and told him the above part about not wanting to date until I was divorced, and he asked why not? “Because I don’t want to have to explain why I’m dating while I’m technically married”, I said. He asked what would happen if I was just up front about that from the start and see what happens. I couldn’t think of anything wrong with that idea. Actually, it was only a question, but it quickly became an idea… :-) I talked with a friend about it and he told me about some gals he had met online; that night I listed myself on a dating site, www.millionairematch.com. I browsed around a bit and added a few hotties to my favorites list, but didn’t contact anyone.

The next day, one of those gals “winked” at me. As it turns out, folks are notified when others add them to favorites. I wasn’t quite ready for that. I was just browsing. But she was very pretty. So pretty, in fact, that I had serious questions for the first week about whether she was a “trap” profile, the kind of admin-created profile that winks at all the guys to get them to pay money to chat with her. I was, in fact, suspicious until today when after exchanging four emails, she asked to talk in person. That kinda reduces the likelihood that she’s imaginary.

And she wasn’t the only one. Oh, maybe a dozen others have winked or emailed me. Most I’ve replied to with a polite thanks but no thanks, which was a very hard thing to do. I admit I was judging them 80% based on their looks and 20% based on their profile, and I didn’t think that was fair to them. But there are so many, I really can’t talk to all of them, especially not meaningfully. So I choose the pretty ones to add to my “someday” list, hoping that one of them is also secure, funny, and likes geeks. It almost sounds like I’m bragging about this — hell, it almost feels like I’m bragging about this — but I’m genuinely concerned too. I haven’t promised exclusivity to anyone, but if my new lady friend found out that I’m having conversations or coffee with someone else, I think she’d be hurt.

The thing is, she’s not perfect for me. I could list faults, even what I consider serious ones and deal-breakers, but even with all that, I enjoy spending time with her, whether in person or on the phone. (Mostly.) I don’t want to lose that. But I need to be honest and open with her. I’m just afraid of hurting her.

Too much of a good thing isn’t the same thing as just the right amount of a good thing.

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This isn’t my family blog nor my work blog. It’s my very close friends blog. Hell, it’s not even written by me, and none of this stuff is about me or ever actually happened.

But let’s say it did. Why can’t I present all of this to the world, just publish it in my named blog? Don’t most of the rest of the people in the world have issues too? They’d understand and relate, right? Wouldn’t they be able to see a bit more of my humanity? Without that, isn’t their view of me a shallow one, just a shadow of who I am in all the depths of me?

What’s amazing to me is how ridiculous that all sounds. Of course I’d never do it, because… well, people just don’t do it. I wouldn’t be respected for my humanity, people would just be embarrassed for me. And their opinions still matter too much to me.

And that’s why most blogs aren’t about the depths of people’s souls. They’re about things that happen in the world, opinions on the opinions of others, vacation stories, and pictures of kids. And that’s ok.

Still, it’s a fantasy of mine to one day be known by all as the same person. Not necessarily fully known to all, but not differently known.