So… following up on yesterday’s dilemma…

I got some advice from a few friends tonight that is pretty darn good, good enough that I want to list it here so I can refer to it again later.

Remember what I want at this time in my life

  • While I’m married, I want to get to know new friends, some of them women. The hotter, the better, but they also have to meet the other (i.e. non-hottie) requirements.
  • I want to have coffee and dinner with them, go on walks, and have long intimate conversations.
  • I don’t want to be exclusive.
  • I want to be fair to them. For me, that means I want to avoid physical relationships and romance until I am exclusively with one woman.

Remember what I want in a woman

  • You are happy, satisfied with who you are, loving, and playful.
  • Your eyes sparkle with humor and you’re known as a fun gal.
  • You’ve made peace with your inner demons — hey, we all have them — and you’re not looking to be rescued.
  • You understand desire, intimacy, vulnerability, and how to fit these into your life.
  • You’re successful at something, not necessarily business, and you’ve found things you are passionate about.
  • You’ve still got dreams, even if your life hasn’t gone exactly as you planned. Maybe it’s an ideal home life or job or even vacation, but it’s something.
  • You are secure enough with yourself (emotionally and physically) to be playful now and then, to find joy and laughter. Life for you isn’t all about doing the dishes or paying the bills (but you do those when you need to).
  • You know yourself, you’re a bit introspective and know when you are being ridiculous and can laugh about it. If you’ve been in relationships that failed, you know what your contribution to that failure was, and you take responsibility for it.
  • You’re attractive, you take care of yourself. You manage your weight, you know how to be as beautiful as you can be.
  • You’re smart, confident, and sexy. Wait, that’s a cliche. You’re confident, sexy, and smart. That’s better. (Oh, and you can put up with a bit of a wacky sense of humor.)
  • You ask insightful questions that make me re-think my opinions on things. You have open-minded opinions of your own, and you’re willing to put them on the table for discussion.
  • You think about sex, and like it. Occasionally, you buy sexy clothing. You plan on seducing me at least occasionally. You want to pounce me.

Seems like a lot now that I list it, but the list is considerably pared down and distilled from the hundreds of ideas that sprang into my mind months ago when I realized it was ok to want something in a woman.

Remember that I’m ok as I am

  • Be honest with them. Tell them what I want, both in a woman and at this time in my life. It’s ok to want what I want. Whoever leaves, leaves, with my fond blessing and no hard feelings. It’s all about the match.
  • Chill, be cool, relax. There’s no rush. Their approval isn’t needed to make me ok.
  • Don’t be in a hurry to be exclusive or physical. There’s lots of months left in this particular time continuum.
  • Remember what I want in a woman; remember that after a date with a hot gal I may end up saying “no”.

(and departing from the Remembery theme…)

Avoid the word “dating”

It has too many meanings. Having coffee could be a date, and so could sleeping with someone. When someone asks “are you dating?” it’s sure to raise red flags if your answer is “well, it depends what you mean by dating…” Instead, avoid the question altogether.

Q: Are you dating?

A: I occasionally have coffee or dinner with female friends, but I’ve decided not to be romantic or physical until the divorce is final and I can be exclusively with one woman.

That has the dual benefit of being honest and irresistible. :-)

So thanks, guys.

<The sound of peace, settling softly after a flurried flight…>