These last few weeks I have found myself trying to impress “her”. I mentioned things to let her know how full my life was (men’s group, friends, work events, parties, etc). I showed off my daughter’s room, a friend’s gift, our flower garden. I’ve several times told stories to show what a great father I am. That’s even with me knowing that showing off is a sign of lower value — it needs to be seen naturally or at a minimum through the words of others. And what’s more, I’m not attracted to her in a long-term relationship way. So why show off?

I suppose there are two possible answers, maybe not exclusive of each other.

  1. I do it because I need to know from somewhere outside myself that I am ok.
  2. I’d like to have sex with her and this is part of convincing her. She’s not that seductive or flirty, but it would be interesting in a self-affirming sort of way.

Sigh.

The approval of others is like cotton candy: sweet but not very filling. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t showing off for that reason — sometimes I like sweets — but it’s easily dealt with once awareness sets in.

Showing off to have sex with her, though… there could be something to that. Sex with attractive women stopped for me a LONG time ago, so there is some desire for sex, if not for her. And that is precisely the problem.

I’ve known her for a few months now, so fucking and leaving is no longer considered acceptable behavior. I guess there’s an expiration date on that sort of thing, before which the girl blames herself for her bad judgment and beyond which the guy is just an asshole.

And I don’t want a long-term romantic relationship, I can’t even pretend I do, so fucking and staying is out too.

Unless… is it possible to fuck and stay, but without a romantic relationship? That’s rhetorical of course, I know people who do it regularly.

But I’m not one of them. Never have been. In the past, I mean.

Yeah, I talk big. Acting on those thoughts still doesn’t seem like me. A year ago, thinking them wouldn’t have been either.

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