September 2007


This isn’t my family blog nor my work blog. It’s my very close friends blog. Hell, it’s not even written by me, and none of this stuff is about me or ever actually happened.

But let’s say it did. Why can’t I present all of this to the world, just publish it in my named blog? Don’t most of the rest of the people in the world have issues too? They’d understand and relate, right? Wouldn’t they be able to see a bit more of my humanity? Without that, isn’t their view of me a shallow one, just a shadow of who I am in all the depths of me?

What’s amazing to me is how ridiculous that all sounds. Of course I’d never do it, because… well, people just don’t do it. I wouldn’t be respected for my humanity, people would just be embarrassed for me. And their opinions still matter too much to me.

And that’s why most blogs aren’t about the depths of people’s souls. They’re about things that happen in the world, opinions on the opinions of others, vacation stories, and pictures of kids. And that’s ok.

Still, it’s a fantasy of mine to one day be known by all as the same person. Not necessarily fully known to all, but not differently known.

These last few weeks I have found myself trying to impress “her”. I mentioned things to let her know how full my life was (men’s group, friends, work events, parties, etc). I showed off my daughter’s room, a friend’s gift, our flower garden. I’ve several times told stories to show what a great father I am. That’s even with me knowing that showing off is a sign of lower value — it needs to be seen naturally or at a minimum through the words of others. And what’s more, I’m not attracted to her in a long-term relationship way. So why show off?

I suppose there are two possible answers, maybe not exclusive of each other.

  1. I do it because I need to know from somewhere outside myself that I am ok.
  2. I’d like to have sex with her and this is part of convincing her. She’s not that seductive or flirty, but it would be interesting in a self-affirming sort of way.

Sigh.

The approval of others is like cotton candy: sweet but not very filling. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t showing off for that reason — sometimes I like sweets — but it’s easily dealt with once awareness sets in.

Showing off to have sex with her, though… there could be something to that. Sex with attractive women stopped for me a LONG time ago, so there is some desire for sex, if not for her. And that is precisely the problem.

I’ve known her for a few months now, so fucking and leaving is no longer considered acceptable behavior. I guess there’s an expiration date on that sort of thing, before which the girl blames herself for her bad judgment and beyond which the guy is just an asshole.

And I don’t want a long-term romantic relationship, I can’t even pretend I do, so fucking and staying is out too.

Unless… is it possible to fuck and stay, but without a romantic relationship? That’s rhetorical of course, I know people who do it regularly.

But I’m not one of them. Never have been. In the past, I mean.

Yeah, I talk big. Acting on those thoughts still doesn’t seem like me. A year ago, thinking them wouldn’t have been either.